It is not only me anymore
So i was mostly a person that could barge thru problems and all kinds of though feelings most of the time. Because it was all about me and when i figured out how i can work with that the "me" problems weren't really that hard to sort out. So for a while i pretty much did not really have any problems or any disruptions in routines or activities at all since all the problems were "me" problems and at that point i got pretty good at actually dealing and solving them quickly and soundly. I was waking up at 6 am before it was a meme, i actually got surprised that it was something people have struggled with. I could get up early and get to bed early when i wanted to start working all i had to do was just to start and i started at that moment without any other problems to list.
Yet now especially because of the last few weeks my mind and all around power is at an all time down right now. I should be working and not thinking about anything other than that until 6 pm. Yet here i am writing a blog for some reason. If i were not to write this blog i would probably waste time on internet anyway. Which was something i was not really doing before my head kinda messed up these days.
The problems i have are not the problems of my own anymore. If they were they would be quite easy to solve. I could endure and solve it while i was bearing it. Right now it is not only about me anymore. When one has people to care their problems kind of becomes your problems and the way you were solving your problems before might not work for the cared ones so you gotta find other workarounds which is sometimes quite frustrating. It is understandable they want to have as much time as they can with me. I do want that too but having a sustainable life just serves me that time guaranteed rather than one big shot and no shot for a while. It is quite frustrating to deal with that. I am not really able to express myself that much anymore too since people don't really like that or they are scared or something like that. I will be bold and rude here i always thought that alcohol was a loser drink because i never had to take an external matter into my body to lose myself and my mind. It was always as easy as pushing a button to completely be free. Yet apparently it is not really appropriate to be that free, you gotta pay and be in a special gathering for a special time that happens once or twice a year to be that free. Being free on will is not seen well. At least i was allowed to be free around my friends most of the time until one of my friends just did not get it and forced me out of my freedom at some point. He just does not understand fun. Right now i am getting more and more bored inside. ........
Let me rant here a bit.
Wearing is loser, drinking is loser, smoking is loser and all the things that make you lose your mind or become a dependence to live is a loser thing. Lifting is cool, if you do it for the lifting's sake. If you do it because you cannot live otherwise then your lifting is lame.
I just love the people i love for the people they are. I do not fucking care about your clothes your statuses and other bullshit. Dude i just fucking love you. Let us have some fun please. But no apparently to have fun and be free you gotta drink eat and wear a certain way and then after that you are allowed to be either only be free for a small part or you have to lose all your shit. To me that smells loser.
It was all cool when we were just hanging out on the stairs of the streets and talking and acting all kinds of stuff. We were not hurting or getting in the business of others but we were free in what we were talking and doing. We were having pure fun and intellectual and bodily activity. We used to wrestle on the cement and on the grass and we did not care a bit. Now i guess you have to pay the expensive money to a certain place to be able to do a certain sport for a certain time. Dude we were doing MMA on the streets and parks for a whole day for fucking free and there was no hate too. We were fighting for fighting's sake. No hard feelings. Now its all grudge and shit. All you are allowed to do is to go to an expensive and lame cafe to be able to have fun until it closes an hour later. I would much better prefer sitting on a shitty stair and drinking juices and cokes while discussing stupid things which will eventually turn into fun and stupid fighting discussions which leads to fighting and having fun. Anyway.
Sorry for cursing too much in this entry. I just felt a certain way at the moment.
Yeah so anyway it is not only me anymore. Anytime i face with a hardship it is not only me anymore but all the people that i care and that cares me. So ways and solutions are way more intricate now. I am able to withstand for maybe 6 months but not my loved ones so i have to find a faster way which clouds my mind which for some reason just gets me down. This is just another thing that i have to figure out in my life but it is just so frustrating. I wonder if it was this frustrating when i was learning how to deal with my own problems. Looking back. It damn was. Back then i was not able to figure out anything on my own which made everything so external and scary and sad. Gotta figure this one out and be able to stay strong too. However, i just cannot get used to this boredom. World is so fun for being so cheap yet most of the time i am not allowed to have it. There are some times where people get comfortable and they start to get free too which makes me get surprised at that moment. I be like "wait are we allowed to be that?" which i guess we are but it is just a way restricted version then i am used to.
Anyway. Gotta animate. This feels good tho.
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